0ffice Wiki

[Opening credits]

[Regional Manager Michelangelo Skeet is in his office with salesman Jimmy Hal]

Michelangelo: All right Jimmy. Your quarterlies look very good. How are things going at the library?

Jimmy: Oh, I told you. I couldn't close it. So...

Michelangelo: So you've come to the master for guidance? Is this what you're saying, grasshopper?

Jimmy: Actually, you called me in here, but yeah.

Michelangelo: All right. Well, let me show you how it's done. [On phone] Yes, I'd like to speak to your office manager, please. Yes, hello. This is Michelangelo Skeet. I am the Regional Manager of The Company. Just wanted to talk to you manager-au-manger. [Quick cut scene of the office] All right. Done deal. Thank you very much, sir. You're a gentleman and a scholar. Oh, I'm sorry. OK. I'm sorry. My mistake. [Hangs up] That was a woman I was talking to, so... She had a very low voice. Probably a smoker, so... [Clears throat] So that's the way it's done.

[Michelangelo is giving a tour of the office. He starts of by standing next to the company's logo]

Michelangelo: I've, uh, I've been at The Company for 12 years, the last four as Regional Manager. If you want to come through here… [Enters the office] See we have the entire floor. So this is my kingdom, as far as the eye can see. This is our receptionist, Pem. Pem! Pem-Pem! Pem Easily. Pem has been with us for... forever. Right, Pem?

Pem: Well. I don't know.

Michelangelo: If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple of years ago. [Growls]

Pem: What?

Michelangelo: Any messages?

Pem: Uh, yeah. Just a fax.

Michelangelo: Oh! Pem, this is from Corporate. How many times have I told you? There's a special filing cabinet for things from corporate.

Pem: You haven't told me.

Michelangelo: It's called the wastepaper basket! [Throws the fax away and laughs] Look at that! Look at that face.

[Michelangelo is in his office giving an interview to the camera crew.]

Michelangelo: People say I am the best boss. They go, "God we've never worked in a place like this before. You're hilarious, and you get the best out of us." [Shows the camera his WORLD'S BEST BOSS mug] I think that pretty much sums it up. I found it at Spencer Gifts.

[Dwigt is at his desk taking his phone out of his drawer.]

Dwigt: [Singing] Shall I play for you? Pa rum pump um pum [Imitates heavy drumming] I have no gifts for you. Pa rum pump um pum [Imitates heavy drumming]

[Jimmy is giving an interview to the camera crew]

Jimmy:  My job is to speak to clients on the phone about... uh, quantities and type of copier paper. You know, whether we can supply it to them. Whether they can pay for it. And... I'm boring myself just talking about this.

[Michelangelo comes over to Jimmy and Dwigt's desks]

Michelangelo: Whassup!

Jimmy: Whassup! I still love that after seven years.

Michelangelo: Whassup!

Dwigt: Whassup!

Michelangelo: Whass...up!

Dwigt: Whassup.

Michelangelo: [Strains, grunts] What?

Jimmy: Nothing.

Michelangelo: OK. All right. See you later.

Jimmy: All right. Take care.

Michelangelo: Back to work.

[Angelica and Kiven are shown having lunch. Jam Levinson-Gould then comes into the office.]

Jam: [On her cell phone] Just before lunch. That would be great.

[Michelangelo is in an interview in his office.]

Michelangelo: Corporate doesn't really interfere with me at all. Jam Levinson-Gould… [Comes out of his office] Jam, hello! [In interview] I call her Hilary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because... well, not because I'm scared of her. Because I'm not. But, um... Yeah.

[Michelangelo and Jam are having a meeting in his office while Pem transcribes their meeting]

Jam: Alright, was there anything you wanted to add to the agenda?

Michelangelo: Um... Me no get an agenda.

Jam: What? I'm sorry?

Michelangelo: I didn't get any agenda.

Jam: Well, I faxed one over to you this morning.

Michelangelo: Really? I didn't... [looks at Pem] Did we get a fax this morning?

Pem: Uh, yeah, the one...

Michelangelo: Why isn't it in my hand? A company runs on efficiency of communication, right? So what's the problem, Pem? Why didn't I get it?

Pem: You put in the garbage can that was a special filing cabinet.

Michelangelo: Yeah, that was a joke. That was a joke that was actually my brother's, and... It was supposed to be with bills and it doesn't work great with faxes.

Jam: Do you want to look at mine?

Michelangelo: Yeah, yeah. Lovely. Thank you.

Jam: OK. Since the last meeting, Ellen and the board have decided we can't justify a Scranton branch and a Stamford branch.

Michelangelo: OK...

Jam: Michelangelo, don't panic.

Michelangelo: No, no, no, no, this is good. This is good. This is fine. Excellent.

Jam: No, no, no, Michelangelo, listen OK. Don't panic. We haven't made... We haven't decided.

Michelangelo: All the alarm bells are kind of going... ringie-dingie-ding!

Jam: I've spoken to Josh in Stamford. I've told him the same as you and it's up to either him or you to convince me that your branch can incorporate the other.

Michelangelo: OK. No problem.

Jam: This does, however, mean that there is going to be downsizing.

Michelangelo: Me no wanna hear that, Jam. Because downsizing is a bitch. It is a real bitch. And I wouldn't wish that on Josh's men. I certainly wouldn't wish it on my men. Or women, present company excluded. Sorry. Uh, is Josh concerned about downsizing himself? Not downsizing himself but is he concerned about downsizing?

[Dwigt is shown annoying Jimmy, before cutting back the the meeting between Michelangelo and Jam.]

Michelangelo: Question. How long do we have to... [Telephone rings] Oh uh, Rodd Packet, terrific rep. Do you mind if I take it?

Jam: Go ahead.

Michelangelo: Packman.

Packet: Hey, you big queen.

Michelangelo: Oh, that's not appropriate.

Packet: Hey, is old Godzillary coming in today?

Michelangelo: Uh, I don't know what you mean.

Packet: I've been meaning to ask her one question. Does the carpet match the drapes?

Michelangelo: Oh, my God! Oh! That's... horrifying. Horrible. Horrible person.

Jam: So do you think we could keep a lid on this for now? I don't want to worry people unnecessarily.

Michelangelo: No, absolutely. Under this regime, it will not leave this office. [Zips his lips] Like that.

[Philse and Stenpey are discussing downsizing]

Philse: So what does downsizing actually mean?

Stenpey: Well...

[Obe is shown talking with Philse and Stenpey in the kitchen]

Obe: You guys better update your resumes just like I'm doing.

[Angelica and Kiven are also discussing downsizing]

Angelica: I bet it's gonna be me. Probably gonna be me.

Kiven: Yeah, it'll be you.

[Jimmy is talking with Pem at her desk]

Pem: I have an important question for you.

Jimmy: Yes?

Pem: Are you going to Angelica's cat party on Sunday?

Jimmy: Yeah, stop. That is ridiculous.

[Michelangelo is giving an interview]

Michelangelo: Am I going to tell them? No, I am not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.

[The new temporary employee, Rye Howard, arrives at the office.]

Michelangelo: Hey.

Rye: Hey.

Pem: This is Mr. Skeet.

Michelangelo: Guilty! Guilty as charged!

Rye: Rye Howard from the temp agency. Daniqua sent me down to start today.

Michelangelo: Howard, like Moe Howard. Three Stooges.

Rye: Yup.

Michelangelo: Watch this. This is Moe. Nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck. Mee! [Holds hand up for a high five] Ah, right here. Three Stooges. Oh, Pem. It's a guy thing, Pem. I'm sort of a student of comedy. Watch this. Here we go. [Yelling in cod German] I'm Hitler! Adolf Hitler! [Continues with cod German]

[Pem is giving an interview in the conference room]

Pem: I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go because then I might... I don't think it's many little girls' dream to be a receptionist. I like to do illustrations. Um... Mostly watercolor. A few oil pencil. Um, Jimmy thinks they're good.

[Pem is at her desk answering the phone.

Pem: The Company, this is Pem.

[Jimmy is on the phone with a client]

Jimmy: Sure. [Jimmy's stationary falls over] Mr. Davis, let me call you right back. Yeah, something just came up. Two minutes. Thank you very much. Dwigt, what are you doing?

Dwigt: What?

Jimmy: What are you doing?

Dwigt: Just clearing my desk. I can't concentrate.

Jimmy: It's not on your desk.

Dwigt: It's overlapping. It's all spilling over the edge. One word, two syllables. Demarcation.

[Dwigt returns to his desk to see Jimmy making a fence out of pencils]

Dwigt: You can't do that.

Jimmy: Why not?

Dwigt: Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ.

Jimmy: [Crosses fingers] We'll see. [Dwigt begins smashing pencils with his phone] This is why the whole downsizing thing just doesn't bother me.

Dwigt: Downsizing?

[Dwigt is giving an interview]

Dwigt: Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.

[Michelangelo is with Pem at reception]

Pem: You just still have these messages from yesterday.

Michelangelo: Relax. Everything's under control. Uh, yeah. Yeah. That's important. Right. Oh this is so important, I should run to answer it. [Imitating Six-Million Dollar Man sound effect]

Pem: What?

Michelangelo: Come on. Six-Million Dollar Man! Steve Austin! Actually, that would be a good salary for me, don't you think? Six million dollars? Memo to Jam. I deserve a raise.

Pem: Don't we all?

Michelangelo: I'm sorry?

Pem: Nothing.

Michelangelo: If you're unhappy with your compensation, maybe you should take it up with HR. OK. Not today, OK? Pem, just be professional. [Sighs]

[Michelangelo is in an interview]

Michelangelo: I think I'm a role model here. I think I garner people's respect

[Michelangelo is imitating a PA system]

Michelangelo: Attention all The Company employees, please. We have a meeting in the conference room, ASAP.

[Michelangelo is an interview]

Michelangelo: People I respect, heroes of mine, would be Bob Hope... Abraham Lincoln, definitely. Bono. And probably God would be the fourth one. And I just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways that it's really beyond words. It's really incalculable.

[Everyone is in the conference room listening to Michelangelo]

Michelangelo: Now I know there's some rumors out there and I just kind of want to set the record straight.

Dwigt: I'm Assistant Regional Manager. I should know first.

Michelangelo: Assistant to the Regional Manager.

Dwigt: OK, um, can you just tell me please? Just tell me quietly. Can you whisper it in my ear?

Michelangelo: I'm about to tell everybody. I'm just about to tell everybody.

Obe: Can't you just tell us.

Dwigt: Please, OK? Do you want me to tell 'em?

Michelangelo: You don't know what it is. [Laughs]

Dwigt: OK. You tell 'em. With my permission. Permission granted.

Michelangelo: I don't need your permission.

Dwigt: Go ahead.

Michelangelo: Corporate has deemed it appropriate to enforce an ultimatum upon me. And Jam is thinking about downsizing either the Stamford branch or this branch.

[Rye is in the main office talking on the phone to someone]

Rye: I heard they might be closing this branch down. That's just the rumor going around. This is my first day. I don't really know.

[The meeting in the conference room is shown where it left off]

Obe: Yeah but Michelangelo, what if they downsize here?

Michelangelo: Not gonna happen.

Stenpey: It could be out of your hands Michelangelo.

Michelangelo: It won't be out of my hands Stenpey, OK. I promise you that.

Stenpey: Can you promise that?

Dwigt: On his mother's grave.

Michelangelo: No.

Philse: What?

Michelangelo: Well, yeah, it is a promise. And frankly, I'm a little insulted that you have to keep asking about it.

Stenpey: It's just that we need to know.

Michelangelo: I know. Hold on a second. I think Pem wanted to say something. Pem, you had a look that you wanted to ask a question just then.

Pem: I was in the meeting with Jam and she did say that it could be this branch that gets the axe.

Man: Are you sure about that?

Michelangelo: Well, Pem maybe you should stick to the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meetings.

Dwigt: Pem, information is power.

Stenpey: You can't say for sure whether it'll be us or them, can you?

Michelangelo: No, Stenpey. No, you did not see me in there with her. I said if Corporate wants to come in here and interfere, then they're gonna have to go through me. Right? You can go mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messing with my children.

[Jimmy is giving an interview]

Jimmy: If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head? You know? Tonnage price of manila folders? Um, Pem's favorite flavor of yogurt, which is mixed berry.

[Jimmy is shown looking at Pem from his desk. Pem is then shown giving an interview]

Pem: Jimmy said mixed berries? Well, yeah, he's on to me. Um... [Laughs]

[Michelangelo is showing Rye around the office]

Michelangelo: Watch out for this guy. Dwigt Shmoop in the building. This is Rye, the new temp.

Rye: What's up? Nice to meet you.

Michelangelo: Introduce yourself. Be polite.

Dwigt: Dwigt Shmoop, Assistant Regional Manager.

Michelangelo: Assistant to the Regional Manager. So, uh, Dwigt tell him about the kung fu and the car and everything.

Dwigt: Uh... yeah I got a '78 280Z. Bought it for $1,200. Fixed it up. It's now worth three grand.

Michelangelo: That's his profit.

Dwigt: New engine, new suspension, I got a respray. I've got some photos. [Dwigt opens his drawer] Ugh! Dammit! Jimmy!

Michelangelo: OK. Hold on, hold on. The judge is in session. What is the problem here?

Dwigt: He put my stuff in Jell-O again. [Takes out his stapler, which is encased in Jell-O; Pem is seen laughing] That's real professional thanks. That's the third time and it wasn't funny the first two times either Jimmy.

[Dwigt is giving an interview]

Dwigt: It's OK here, but people sometimes take advantage because it's so relaxed. I'm a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy on the weekends. And you cannot screw around there. That's sort of one of the rules.

[Cuts back to when Dwigt showed Michelangelo his stapler]

Michelangelo: What is that?

Dwigt: That is my stapler.

Michelangelo: No, no, no. Do not take it out. You have to eat it out of there, because there are starving people in the world [Turns to camera] which I hate, and it is a waste of that kind of food.

Dwigt: OK you know what, you can be a witness. [Points to Rye] Can you reprimand him?

Jimmy: [Eating Jell-O] How do you know it was me?

Dwigt: It's always you. Are you going to discipline him or not?

Michelangelo: Discipline. Kinky! [Laughs] All right, here's the deal you guys. The thing about a practical joke is you have to know when to start and as well as when to stop.

Dwigt: Yeah.

Michelangelo: And yeah, Jimmy this is the time to stop putting Dwigt's personal effects into Jell-O.

Jimmy: OK. Dwigt, I'm sorry, because I have always been your biggest flan.

Michelangelo: [Laughing] Nice. That's the way it is around here. It just kind of goes round and round.

Rye: You should've put him in custardy.

Michelangelo: Hey! Yes! New guy! He scores.

Dwigt: OK, that's great. I guess what I'm most concerned with is damage to company property. That's all.

Michelangelo: Pudding. Pudding... I'm trying to think of another dessert to do.

[Jimmy is with Pem at reception]

Jimmy: Do you like going out at the end of the week for a drink?

Pem: Yeah.

Jimmy: That's why we're all going out. So we can have an end-of-the-week-drink.

Pem: So when are we going out?

Jimmy: Tonight, hopefully.

Pem: OK. Yeah.

[Pem's fiance Ray comes in]

Ray: Hey, man.

Jimmy: What's going on?

Ray: Hey, baby.

Pem: Hey.

[Pem is in an interview]

Pem: Ray's my fiance. We've been engaged about three years. We were supposed to get married in September but I think we're gonna get married in the spring.

[Cuts back to Pem, Ray and Jimmy at reception]

Pem: Do you mind if I go out for a drink with these guys?

Ray: No, no. Come on. Let's get out of here and go home.

Pem: OK. I'm gonna be a few minutes. So it's only twenty past five. I still have to do my faxes.

Jimmy: You know what? You should come with us. Because you know we're all going out and it could be a good chance for you to see what people are like outside the office. I think it could be fun.

Ray: It sounds good. Seriously, we've gotta get going.

Jimmy: Yeah, yeah. [Noticing Ray's bag] Um... What's in the bag?

Ray: Just tell her I'll talk to her later. [Leaves]

Jimmy: No, definitely. All right, dude. Awesome. Will do.

[Jimmy is in an interview]

Jimmy: Do I think I'll be invited to the wedding? [Scratches head]

[Michelangelo is with Rye in his office]

Michelangelo: So have you felt the vibe yet? We work hard, we play hard. Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard. Right? I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second... and probably an entertainer third. [Knock at door] Just a second. Right? Oh, hey do you like The Jamie Kennedy Experiment? Punk'd and all that kind of stuff?

Rye: Yeah.

Michelangelo: You are gonna be my accomplice. Just go along with it, OK?

Rye: All right.

Michelangelo: Just follow my lead. Don't pimp me, all right? Come in. So, uh, Corporate just said that I don't want to...

[Pem comes in]

Pem: You got a fax.

Michelangelo: Oh, thank you. Pem, can you come in here for a sec. Just have a seat. I was gonna call you in anyway. You know Rye. As you know, there is going to be downsizing. And you have made my life so much easier in that I am going to have to let you go first.

Pem: What? Why?

Michelangelo: Why? Well, theft and stealing.

Pem: Stealing? What am I supposed to have stolen?

Michelangelo: Post-it Notes.

Pem: Post-it Notes? What are those worth, 50 cents?

Michelangelo: 50 cents, yeah. If you steal a thousand Post-It Notes at 50 cents apiece, and you know, you've made a profit... margin. You're gonna run us out of business, Pem.

Pem: Are you serious?

Michelangelo: Yeah. I am.

Pem: I can't believe this. I mean I have never even stolen as much as a paperclip and you're firing me.

Michelangelo: But the best thing about it is that we're not going to have to give you any severance pay. Because that is gross misconduct and... Just clean out your desk. I'm sorry.

Michelangelo: [Pem starts crying] You been X'd punk! [Laughing] Surprise! It's a joke. We were joking around. See? OK. He was in on it. He was my accomplice. And it was kind of a morale booster thing. And we were showing the new guy around, giving him the feel of the place. So you... God, we totally got you.

Pem: You're a jerk! [Leaves]

Michelangelo: I don't know about that.

[Michelangelo is in an interview]

Michelangelo: What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nuh-uh. It's the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No, no, no, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke English. He came to me, and said, [Hispanic accent] "Mr. Skeet, would you be the godfather of my child?" [Normal voice] Wow. Wow. Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.

[Pem meets with Jimmy just as he is about to leave]

Pem: Hey.

Jimmy: Hey. How are things?

Pem: Good. I thought you were going out for a drink with...

Jimmy: Oh no, I just decided not to. How's your headache?

Pem: It's better, thanks.

Jimmy: Good. Good.

Pem: Yeah.

Jimmy: That's great.

Pem: Is...?

Jimmy: Yeah?

Pem: Um... Are you...

Jimmy: Am I walking out?

Pem: Yes.

Jimmy: Yes, I... Do you want to...

Pem: Yeah.

Jimmy: Great. Let me just…  [Car horn honking] Oh, Ray.

Pem: Yeah. Listen, have a nice weekend. [She leaves]

Jimmy: Yeah, definitely. You too. Enjoy it. [looks at camera] You know what, just come here. [Puts Michelangelo's mug, which is now in Jell-O inside his office]

[End of Pilot]